We're pre-gaming then going to chuck e cheese's.
If you're joking I'm going to be sad
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
On the food pyramid big dick are "sometimes foods"
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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