Locked eyes w/ her at mainstreet, and said 'yeah yeah get it!' From there we started violently making out on the dancefloor (I had a FULL boner, ps) and then I got her number
dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
My last memory involves me naked in a mens's bathroom stall. I really hope my date was with me.
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
Randomize
