I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
He's very cute and has a totally sit-able face.
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
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