So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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