I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Randomize
