so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
dude so we were eating nacho cheese popcorn and chasing it with cole slaw
by the way nacho cheese popcorn is me making popcorn and then adding milk butter and mac n cheese mix
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
I wouldn't fuck her. Looks like her vagina smells like a seaside orgy.
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
Randomize
