if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
He shit in the fireplace
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