Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
so I ended up banging her last night
dude I remember her. You sure it was a her?
i don't even remember
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
Quick question, when did I develop feelings, and how can I make them go away?
That's two questions.
God he's so convenient, drugs, an parties all in one person. He's like the Walmart of delinquency.
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
Randomize
