sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
It's pitch dark except for the glow sticks, someone turned the heat up as high as it would go and the bathroom is flooded. Also think I just stepped on someone's face.
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
