I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
it'll be like the batcave but for manwhores
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
Randomize
