Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
we have officially mastered the walk of shame
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
Not rlly sure. Might just drink and sleep. Gotta wake up for my last rabies shot lol
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
I went home with him again and he LEFT HIS OWN HOUSE at 2 in the morning while I was IN THE BATHROOM.
Lol, yeah it'll be fun,but will it be cereal and dick pics fun?
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
Randomize
