Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
Randomize
