Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
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