I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
Randomize
