sitting in class between the roommates of the two girls i fucked over break. this feels like a bad version of wife swap
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
i just passed i guy i once let listen to me masterbate on the phone...nyc is not big enough
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
Randomize
