He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
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