I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
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