What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
Well we were going to compare notes, but all I could remember was throwing up, and all she could remember was kissing, so then we decided to not compare anything.
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
Randomize
