What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
You can't just leave with hair like that
I seriously have her in my phone as "Legit 8"...even I'm surprised
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
I'm sorry but it's something you and your A cups wouldn't understand.
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
Randomize
