I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
He looks like he has a penis
What the fuck
A good one, a good penis
There's always one sober annoying person at a party. I hate responsible people. I just wanted to show everyone my nipples. There cute. She didn't have to stop me
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
Randomize
