dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
whats the proper etiquette for returning a closet door to a random girl you met and do not know her name?
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
do you wanna get some fucking pussy tonight.....THEN DRESS LIKE IT
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
Randomize
