meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
Remember that mom/daughter stripper team? Well i just met the ex husband/father in AA. WOW!!!! WOW....
IM WEARING A FLAG
So that's a no to the clothes then
FLAG
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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