it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
but you don't have to sleep on top of four different cum stains because you'd rather buy a case of Franzia than spend $3.50 in the student laundry room
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
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