my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
Yes theres a double standard. Get over it. Fuck the critics and go be the slut you were born to be
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
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