I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
Do you not remember you showing everyone in the bathroom your period stained underwear? I'd say you were pretty happy it came
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
we were sitting in the bathtub when she came in with her grandpas cane adn beat us until lindsay passed out
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
It's gay softball weekend. Lots of hot gay strangers to go home with.
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
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