It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
it's like iHOP with fire
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
The worst thing about it is now I have to find someone else to fuck in the library.
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
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