So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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