Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
only i would get off to receiving death threats online
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
Randomize
