New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
you went all the way to UK and still managed to hook up with someone from our highschool...
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
I just saw a kid on iowa campus story that looked like the guy i made out with on spring break.
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
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