a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
she is like a cock bee. instead of going from flower to flower she goes from cock to cock
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
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