Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
Not me. I think "beastiality" sounds pretty classy.
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
Use "feeling words"
Yay
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
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