went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
me + whiskey = a bad person
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
That was the first time I ever heard of a female getting road head while driving... thanks for the memory and making me happy ending..
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
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