ok think of it like jelly beans. if you can learn to like the licorice ones, youll always have lots of them because no one else wants them. its the same with fat chicks
I could make wine with my vomit
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
at one point i was feeding a guy sour cream chips and he made me make the "choo choo" noise as they were going in. \ni feel so much closer to him now.\n
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
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