she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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