That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
i'm watching the fashion show on bravo
you're cheating on project runway?
if you can't score coke, you buy crack.
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
The police scanner is talking about you again....
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
We met up and made out in front of an empanada spot, if that's not romance then idk what is.
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
Randomize