We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
Absolutely. I could drink and smoke that memory away in a matter of years at my current rate.
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
Randomize