walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
Yeah, the email that I was sending to get an Escort for the weekend, copied and pasted to my boss, that should be interesting conversation, when I come back from Christmas vacation break.
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
I have acquired a mango...tonight is successful so far
Her name is susan
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