dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
Are we doing anything tonight after class for Valentine's Day or just being lazy and having sex?
If you expect me to say anything other than 'lazy and sex' you're crazzzzy!
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
Randomize
