I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
He started to lick my mole,thinking it was my nipple.
The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
I drank myself into bisexuality again.
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
Randomize