my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
I just debated creating a mirror system so I could play Batman while in the bathroom. I think I need help.
I already knew that. But I also don't agree with stifling creativity.
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
Sooooo drunk. We had the best sex ever and after he looked at me and said "That's whats up". I looked at him weird and he said "Young Jeezy would say it" and passed out on me naked. I think i might be in love
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
Randomize
