I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
Randomize
