Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Blackberries need to come with a feature that disables texting to certain numbers after 2am based on content. liek disabling texting to 'dad' containng the words 'lets try to find more blow.'
you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
Also managed to rip my pants and set myself on fire. And oddly enough I'm still not ready to ask for 2010 back.
No fucking idea. Just paid for my chipotle in chocolate coins, though. Either there is a huge language barrier happening here, or my big boobs are finally paying off.
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
I need dick so bad, I’m dressing sexy for the school pick up line and sports practices to entice a few of the DILFs
Randomize
