allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
too bad you live with your parents still
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
