My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
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