peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
even my farts smell like vagina
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
Randomize
