You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
Just found a picture of a hobo making out with her tits...a HOBO
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
Only three months past my 21st and I'm done. So many life lessons in so little time.
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
Randomize
