i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
isnt it creepy that our bodies make people
i'm lost and i look like a hooker
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
