I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
I know its been a few months but you must know you hve the 2nd biggest dick I've ever seen. 1st place went to a rapper so don't feel bad.
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
Randomize
