R and i have drinken 4 bottles od red wine. By ourselfs
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
My suggestion that we all just smoke some weed was greeted with a uncomfrotable silence and a 'maybe later'. These are not our people
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
Randomize
