Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
Randomize
