Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
the chair was smiling at me in sociology and i had to try not to burst out laughing.
Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
Randomize
