Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
Sarah Palin is going to have a show on the discovery channel...Can I get a moment of silence for knowledge?
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize
