Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
Randomize
