You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
Thanks for talking me down from peeing on his window last night.
I am now curious as to how you would have aimed.
Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
I HAVE A STRAIGHT LINE ACROSS MY ASS ABOUT THE WIDTH OF A SLIM JIM. ERICA!
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
Randomize
