does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
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