Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
Phease come get me i thought i was in a place i don't even understand
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
Randomize
