Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
We found him. 8 blocks away from the bars and almost at his parent's house. On the verge of tears.
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
Randomize
